Brotherhood of Elevator Constructors (Fictional)
"Protecting your right to 60-hour weeks and being blamed for everything since 1969."
Join today and receive your official membership card! (Also known as: "The Thing That Gets You Into Buildings")
Card #404-XXXX-XXXX
Good Standing (Probably)
This card entitles you to: entry to job sites, judgment from old heads, and a lifetime of explaining what you do for a living.
*Not real. This is satire. Don't actually send us money.
The pizza was cold. The old heads complained about "how things used to be." No decisions were made.
I, [YOUR NAME], do solemnly swear to:
✦ Never rat out a brother, even when he's clearly wrong
✦ Blame the building, the equipment, or the last guy - never myself
✦ Complain about the union while fiercely defending it from outsiders
✦ Take a full lunch even when the building is on fire
✦ Attend meetings only when free food is involved
✦ Maintain solidarity by agreeing to disagree about everything
"I'll get to it when I get to it."
Union Local 404 established after management asked someone to "just do a quick callback" at 4:55 PM on a Friday. The last straw.
Members successfully won the right to not share their personal tools. "Get your own fucking crescent wrench" becomes official policy.
30-minute lunch officially extended to "however long it takes" after union proved that rushing leads to callbacks.
Union declares all elevator controllers "probably fine" without checking. They were. Sort of.
New contract language clarifies that "it was like that when I got here" is a valid defense in all circumstances.
Union acknowledges that half the old heads are about to retire and haven't taught anyone shit. Committee formed. No progress made.
Stop expecting us to buy our own $400 meters that the company loses.
PENDINGThe service van has 300k miles and the A/C hasn't worked since 2017.
DENIEDUnless the building is literally on fire. And even then, maybe call someone else first.
DENIEDStructural repairs shouldn't come out of our own pockets.
WON ✓Stop telling building managers "15 minutes" when we're 45 minutes away.
PENDINGThree forms per callback is excessive. We fixed the elevator, not launched a rocket.
WON ✓New to the trade. Holds the flashlight wrong. Carries heavy shit. Gets blamed for everything the mechanic does wrong.
In the program. Learning just enough to be dangerous. Still can't read prints but won't admit it.
Full card-carrying member. Knows enough to fix it but bills for learning. Has opinions about EVERYTHING.
20+ years in. Knows where all the bodies are buried. Refuses to share knowledge. Counting days to retirement.
DISCLAIMER: Union Local 404 is a fictional satirical organization. This is not affiliated with any real union, including the IUEC. It's just jokes, man. If you're looking for a real union, look elsewhere. If you're looking to laugh about the trade, you're in the right place.