THE PIT
Where the humor is as dark as the hoistway and twice as likely to kill you.
THE NUMBERS NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
These are real. Look them up. Then ask yourself why you're still doing this job.
HOW WE ACTUALLY DIE
Not from old age. Not peacefully. Here's the greatest hits.
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Falls into the shaft
Door opens, no car. 3-5 floors down. The interlock was "working fine" on the last inspection. -
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Caught between car and hoistway
The car moved when it shouldn't have. OSHA wrote a bulletin about a guy who got decapitated at a Houston hospital. The car "continued to move." -
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Counterweight
3,000+ pounds of cast iron doesn't care about your mortgage, your kids, or the fact that you were "just checking something real quick." -
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Electrical
480 volts doesn't negotiate. It doesn't warn you. One wrong move in a controller that hasn't been cleaned since Clinton was president. -
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Crushed in the pit
Nobody locked out. Nobody tagged out. "It'll just take a second." Famous last words.
1,460 DAYS OF HELL: THE PROBATION EXPERIENCE
The Math
4 years. 50% of mechanic's rate to start. You're basically paying for the privilege of holding a flashlight while a guy who refuses to explain anything sighs at you for 8 hours.
"You worked 100 hours this month, right? Good. Here's half of what the job is worth."
The Training
Official curriculum: "Figure it out."
Advanced curriculum: "No, the OTHER 9/16."
Graduate studies: "Hold this. No. HOLD IT. Why did you move?"
They'll test your ability to "display sufficient aptitude." Translation: survive the hazing without crying.
The Reality
You can be fired at any point during probation if "the Company and the Union agree that the apprentice does not display sufficient aptitude." What's sufficient aptitude? Nobody will tell you. You just have to not fuck up in ways that nobody explained to you.
Welcome to the trade. The guy who's supposed to train you learned from a guy who's dead now.
KNOWLEDGE DIES WITH THEM
70% of the industry says skilled labor shortage is the biggest risk. Here's why.
The Dover Problem
Unit installed in 1987. The guy who knew how to work on it retired in 2019. He's dead now. The prints are in a filing cabinet nobody can find. The parts haven't been made in 15 years. Building manager wants it fixed by Monday.
The Westinghouse Situation
"Just call Westinghouse." Westinghouse hasn't made elevators since 1989. Schindler bought them. The tech support guy you need died of a heart attack at 58. But sure, let me just Google it.
The Proprietary Tool
You need a special tool. It costs $4,000. Only the manufacturer sells it. They'll ship it in 6-8 weeks. The building has been down for 3 days. The building manager is calling every 20 minutes.
The Tribal Knowledge
"How did you fix it?" "I just know." "Can you explain?" "You wouldn't understand." "Can you show me?" *retires* *dies* Now nobody on earth knows how to fix car 3 when it does that thing.
BUILDING MANAGERS: A STUDY IN SUFFERING
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"Can you just make it work?"
Governor's shot. Safeties haven't been tested since the Bush administration. Door operator's held together with zip ties and prayers. But yeah, I'll "make it work." Sign this liability waiver. -
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"It was working fine yesterday."
No it wasn't. You just didn't notice. The callbacks going back 6 months tell a different story than "working fine." -
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"How long will this take?"
Translation: "I already told the tenants 15 minutes and it's been 20." I've been here for 4 hours because the part you refused to approve 8 months ago finally failed catastrophically. -
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"The tenants are complaining."
The tenants don't know what a traction machine is. The tenants think the elevator should work like their iPhone. The tenants can take the fucking stairs. -
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4:55 PM on a Friday
Phone rings. "Elevator's down. Can you come take a look?" I'm 45 minutes away. Traffic's bad. My kid has a thing. "It's an emergency." It's been "out of service" for a week. But sure, NOW it's an emergency.
ANONYMOUS CONFESSIONS FROM THE TRADE
"I've been running callbacks on the same unit for 8 months because the customer won't approve the $3,000 repair. I 'fix' it every time. It breaks again in 2 weeks. This is my life now."
"The guy who trained me told me 'if you don't know, don't touch it.' Then he retired without telling me what half the shit in the machine room does. I've been guessing for 6 years."
"I cried in my van three times this month. Twice because of building managers. Once because I thought about what this job has done to my knees and I'm only 34."
"We lost a guy last year. Heart attack at 52. Worked too hard, too long, too much stress. Company sent flowers. We were back on the job the next day. Nobody talks about it."
"I tell my wife I have a safe job. I don't tell her about the time the car moved with my arm in the hoistway. I don't tell her about the near-misses. She doesn't need to know. I need to sleep."
"The apprentice asked me why I don't train him more. I wanted to say 'because nobody trained me and I turned out fine.' But I didn't turn out fine. I just survived. There's a difference."
THE ETERNAL CALLBACK CYCLE
Elevator breaks → You fix it → Building manager didn't approve the real repair →
Elevator breaks again → Callback → You "fix" it again →
Building manager still won't approve repair → Elevator breaks →
Callback → "Why does this keep happening?" →
You explain why → They don't listen → Elevator breaks →
REPEAT UNTIL RETIREMENT OR DEATH
THE TRUTH
The counterweight doesn't care about your family. The hoistway doesn't know your name. The machine room doesn't give a shit about your plans for the weekend. You are the only thing between 3,000 pounds of moving steel and somebody's mom.
Someone has to give a shit. It might as well be you.
BUY THE SHIRT. YOU EARNED IT.Statistics sourced from OSHA, Bureau of Labor Statistics, CPWR, and Elevator World industry surveys. The humor is dark because the reality is darker. This page is satire, but the numbers are real. If you're in the trade, stay safe. Lock out. Tag out. Go home to your family.